GROSS KEMP

The Guardian has reported that Ross Kemp, officially the hardest man in the world after Chuck Norris, was filmed having a poo in the open by soldiers in Afghanistan.

Like Rambo III, the man with a face like an oxygen-deprived bulldog was jetted into Afghanistan. Unlike Rambo III, he wasn't on a solo mission to rescue his mentor and help the Taliban defeat the Russians (great guys those Taliban - whatever happened to them?) but to follow the hardworking soldiers of the Royal Anglican Regiment, nod sagely whenever someone spoke to him and do the odd piece to camera about how he wished he could join in the fighting but it just wasn't possible for Health and Safety reasons.

Naturally, the soldiers were delighted to see him and gave a fittingly warm welcome to the man whose portrayal of an elite soldier in 'Ultimate Force' was more M&S than SAS.

So they filmed him taking a dump and reportedly posted the clip on YouTube. Ross will no doubt claim that he was showing the Taliban his arse and inviting them to fire a big, thick rocket right up there. Hey, he's taken worse, and it's not the first time he's appeared in front of cameras and befouled the screens with shit, he just probably (probably) won't get a BAFTA for this latest instalment.