SAID AND DONE

Music lovers, stop polishing your record collections and listen up - next time you see Ronan Keating you should stop him right there and thank him. No, you should BOW down to his majesty. He did single-handledly revitalise our music industry afterall.

Yes. Not only is Ronan Keating - who is armed with the kind of alarming delusion that keeps the hopes of those gibbering fools on X Factor alive - responsible for dreaming up the concept of 'reunion', he is also culpable for all the Spice Girls' comeback ideas.

So that's recording a Children In Need single - a surefire charity hit - and releasing a greatest hits album in a quiet week.

Great. Oh yeah, and he also brought back The Police too.

"We've been trying to find the right moment to do this for a long time - before Take That considered it, before The Police were ever considering it," belched Ronan.

"I remember in one of our meetings last year we were thinking, 'Well, the Spice Girls aren't gonna do it cos two girls are pregnant.' We never expected them to come back. There were quite a lot of people at the meeting and a lot of things we talked about I felt were leaked. A lot of what the Spice Girls did was what we'd talked about. So maybe there was someone in the room that spread the word. I don't know.

"It looks like Take That and the Spice Girls did it and we're trying to jump on the bandwagon. But it's not like that."

Ronan, it's EXACTLY like that. That being a bunch of thirty-somethings who are one heavy gas bill away from doing local panto clambering for their last chance of earning a quick buck.