ROD BY NAME...

Rod Stewarts's penis must be like a fleshy little Terminator. It has been on this Earth for 62 years yet still obeys its prime function, seeking out ladies to impregnate. So far, Rod v.1 has spawned five younglings, but the desire to procreate hasn't lessened with his advancing years, and his crotch marches on in a determined manner.

It's nearly two tears since his latest female victim gave birth to his spawn, so naturally Rod is getting restless and he wrote his intentions in a Valentine's card to his current squeeze, Penny Lancaster, who managed to squirm off the bed for long enough to tell First magazine, "Rod wrote in my Valentine's card this year, 'Let's make baby number two. And now it's definitely the right time.'"

That's right, Penny. Obey or perish. Though Rod's wiring may be coming a bit loose in his advancing years as he has been seen popping into a diner for a cup of tea whilst wearing his CBE medal pinned onto a stripey jumper above a pair of snow-washed jeans.

Let him do what he wants. Otherwise he'll come at you with that wiry little Uzi and a pair of hairy magazines of ammunition. Feel free to shiver at any time. He'll be back.