Robbie's Hand Jobbie

A mole is used to circulating in football circles, and has first hand evidence of the little secrets that Premiership footballers would rather keep to themselves.

Such as a certain club and country captain who is remarkable shouty with his fists when it comes to the ladies. And a certain ex-captain of his country who uses his bodyguards to approach women to lure back to his room (when his wife isn't watching, naturally).

Another footballer was so amazed at being rebuffed by a woman in a club that he stood bemused for a second, enraged by lust but with no one to placate the beast. So he rushed to the toilet and resorted to some vigorous hand to gland combat with himself, before returning to announce what he had done, turning cartwheels and pretending to shoot an arrow into the crowd, kissing the Spurs badge on his shirt and probably shouting: "My name is Robbie Keane and I've just had a nice big wank!"