ANOTHER FEINNES MESS

The latest child star of the next Harry Potter film has been revealed, and contrary to some reports it won't be Madonna's daughter Lourdes. Oh no, she was approached but Madonna refused on the grounds that she wants Lourdes to have a normal childhood. This from a woman with such a strong grip on reality that she agreed to star in 'Swept Away' despite the fact she knew full well Guy Ritchie was the director.

The new young star is none other than Ralph Feinnes' nephew, who will play the part of the young Voldemort while his uncle plays the elder version by displaying more ham than a butcher's window. It's not nepotism you understand, it's just that this young chap happens to be one of the greatest actors of his generation, despite being only nine years old.

And his name? Deep breath...

Hero Fiennes Tiffin. Yes, that's right. Hero Feinnes Tiffin. What sort of a filthy mudblood would saddle a child with a name like that? Maybe it's just as well he's gone into acting, because you can't imagine someone with that name turning up to unblock your toilet or rewire your house.

One thing's for sure. He can star in as many films as he wants and attend the poshest prep schools, but he's still going to get bullied because his parents lost any sense of reality shortly after his birth.