BROWN AND BROWNER

Lock up your Oscars. In fact, cancel the Academy Awards ceremony for 2009, because film-making perfection begins in February 2008 and there's no point in anyone else turning up. Yes, it's the prequel to 'The Da Vinci Code' and the movie is based on an even worse book by Dan Brown, called 'Angels and Demons'.

Luckily, the film is in the safe hands of Ron 'Ritchie from Happy Days' Howard, the man who turned an almost-totally dull novel about the Holy Grail into a completely dull movie about the Holy Grail, though it did have the added attraction of being able to hear Da Vinci spinning in his grave with every showing.

Tom Hanks has agreed to appear in the film, reprising his role as an academic who has a talent for getting physically involved in his search for artefacts, though Indiana Jones only knows where that idea came from.

And of course, the book (if you haven't had a maiden aunt misguidedly buy it for you already) can be purchased from any bookstore (and lots of market stalls and charity shops).

Spoiler alert! The man you thought was nice is actually bad, and the man you thought died didn't die. After leaping from a burning aircraft he uses his coat as a parachute and safely lands in the river Tiber just in time to defuse a bomb under the Vatican.

And no, I'm not fucking joking. Though Dan Brown may well be laughing his golden socks off.