GREEK IN FIT OF PIQUE

Peter Andre has declared to New magazine that he is gunning for Liam Gallagher after the cheeky Northern monkey described him as a "pikey c**t". The tiny little Aussie isn't going to stand for that and he has defended his honour by puffing up his little bantam chest and yapping like a little doggie, looking for all the world like Scrappy Doo yelling "Lemme at 'em! Lemme at 'em!"

"I read somewhere that Liam Gallagher has been calling me all sorts of names. I found this quite surprising because when I last saw Liam he couldn't have been friendlier to me and Katie. I'd go as far as to say that he was totally up our backsides!" Yes, I'm sure he's a massive fan of both the man and his music.

"We bumped into him at a Radio 1 event and he told us how great he thought we were and how his mother Peggy was a big fan." It's always a wonderful compliment when someone tells you that their mother likes what you do, isn't it?

"It's such a shame he was too much of a coward to tell us how he really felt to our faces instead of being two-faced. That man is all mouth and no trousers."

Ooh! Coward? He's been married to Patsy Kensit you know, so he's obviously mentally tough. Liam's not the hardest man in the world (remember his hotel fight a few years ago when he claimed that he had been attacked by the Russian mafia and it turned out he had his teeth smashed out by a drunken accountant with an ashtray?) but I'd back him to hammer little Peter into next week, just with the power of his breath.