PINING PETE

What a shock. Pete Doherty, the illegitimate offspring of Jim Morrison and the Staypuff marshmallow man, has finally come to his senses a year after splitting with one of the world's most famous models. And some emotions have managed to force their way up through the mists and fogs of drugs that make up Pete's insides and he's realised that he's actually quite upset about the whole thing.

Well fuck me, wouldn't you too if you were Pete? You wake up swimming around in a pool of cat shit in your dive of an abode with only a half scrawled 'poem' and a blow torch to keep you company and you turn to the newspaper everyday to see your your ex girlfriend sunning herself topless on a yacht in the Mediterranean with a replacement who'se somehow even less worthy than your worthless self.

While you have faded into relative obscurity, garnering little public interest unless you're getting arrested, Kate has remained in the limelight - although fuck knows how she keeps getting work, as she's starting to look nearly as ropey as our hero himself.

Doherty, 29, confessed: "I haven't shacked up with anyone since. I haven't shared my life with anyone."

Translation: I'm a scummy, puss ridden junkie and no one will come anywhere near me.

He added: "When you split up with someone you're seriously in love with, it takes a lot of time before you even realise you're upset. You know? It just hits you."

Translation: Jesus, I'd be lucky now if even a homeless prostitute would come near my mangy bits.

Poor Pete, it must be sad to realise your short stint in the spotlight is at an end as you fail to free yourself from the shepherd's crook that is dragging you out of fame's spotlight into the murky theatre wings where Death will drop the final curtain and give you an invitation to an after party you can't refuse.

Good riddance.