Return To Rehab

Start the stopwatch. Pete Doherty and his boils checked into rehab on Monday, faced with a stark choice - stay in a cushy Yorkshire clinic or go to jail and share a cell with a seven-foot tall rapist called Big Dave, whose wandering eye favours the brown eye.

Bearing in mind the state of Pete's health, however, it'd take a brave man to step up to this crumbling, pox-ridden mass of sweat and pus should he drop his soap in the showers.

Doherty checked into rehab with his guitar (the only thing he'll be gently strumming for the next few days), his obligatory two hats and a folder full of 'art' (though chimps flinging their own excrement at a revolving canvas would produce a more rewarding result).

The addled buffoon will be taking a course of Naltrexone during his stay, a drug that neutralises the effects of heroin - making people potentially interesting and creative rather than dull and whiny. He must complete the course to avoid jail. The odds for this happening are miniscule.

Grease up, Big Dave. Dinner's on the way, and it's fresh chicken.