Wonky Eye meets Vinegar Tits

God bless the Daily Star. It really does know how to make up a story. But what the hell, let's pretend it's true for the time being.

The paper is reporting that LaLa Land's most famous recent jailbird, Paris Hilton, is being lined for the musical version of camp and crappy Australian soap, 'Prisoner: Cell Block H', for a run in the West End.

A show insider (i.e. a made-up person) told the paper: "There was a real buzz around the show when we thought we would get some well-known Aussie soap actors but Paris is a major coup... The casting agents actually didn't even think she'd try out but she swotted up with DVDs of the original show that she had flown in especially."

Now, if this is true the producers will be wetting themselves. You couldn't put a bill on in the West End more guaranteed to appeal to the only three demographics that actually go to the theatre: gays, hen parties and middle-aged provincials - unless you had a greased up Alan Tichmarsh handing out gardening tips while Mika screeched about fat girls and fannied about in the background.

However, it's all about as likely as Boris Johnson playing centre forward for Liverpool. More's the pity.