THE WIT AND WISDOM OF PARIS HILTON

Oh, it was so tempting to leave this whole section blank... No, Paris Hilton has been speaking exclusively to Parade magazine, which is a somewhat different publication from the one I remember as a teenager. She talks about her new film ('The Hottie and the Nottie' - watch out, Academy Awards), lesbianism and money. And still manages to make the lot sound dull.

Paris realises that she cannot be stunningly beautiful every day (though one out of seven might be a reasonable target) but explains this away in a moment of Cartesian clarity by announcing: "I think we're humans." Profound and spooky stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.

"All girls feel like a 'nottie' some days - like someone who isn't turning heads. That's just part of life. I just get a facial or a massage. Pampering yourself gets you back into 'hottie'-ness."

Back into hottie-ness, I tells yer. There's the secret. Ground down by work? Kids screaming? Depressed beyond tablets? Get a facial or massage, and put it on your father's gold card. Talking of money, is it better to be rich or famous, oh Mistress?

"I have both, and it doesn't even make any difference. I could be happy if I had nothing. So it's not, it's not really about money to me."

Wisdom indeed. Put away your earthly possessions and follow Guru Hilton, though naturally she'll simply have to keep the Chihuahuas. Hopefully she'll be able to follow up on this ideology when her grandfather gets around to cutting her out of his will because he's disgusted by her actions. And is she planning on starring in an episode of lesbian drama 'The 'L' Word'?

"It's true. I have no idea what kind of character I'll be playing, but it's a good show."

Sigh. Perhaps a silly little rich girl pretending to be a lesbian for shock effect and to keep her profile high? The writers are on strike, after all...