A SQUINTER'S TALE

Hoorah! Let joy be unconfined because our shores are once again being visited by the divine Paris Hilton and her strangely-rubbery features that make her look like a clown with the make-up forcibly scrubbed off. Here's a selection of photographs taken when she visited Selfridges, and boy, does she look... unusual?

Where to start? The hat, which makes her look as though she has been thrown through a pensioner's front window and emerged covered in a net curtain? The earrings, which Pat Butcher would dismiss as too gaudy?

The dress (which might look nice on a normal human) draped around that skeletal frame like a carrier bag caught in a tree branch? The ridiculous jewellery, which looks as though it was designed for a GCSE project?

Or maybe the gormless boyfriend, who appears to have chosen his tattoos in order to look like a burns victim? However much they cost, I could have given him that look a lot cheaper. Just a couple of pints of petrol and a Bic lighter.

It's no contest really. The most remarkable thing about these pictures is her simply incredible wonk-eye. The other eye is actually quite pleasant, which must be why its twin is constantly trying to steal a peek at it (no wonder the crowd look delighted to be getting her attention – she can cover a full 180 degrees with that squint so everyone thinks she's giving them her attention at the same time).