COTTAGE PLEAS

Paris Hilton was being quizzed on the radio in the US recently and came up with a shocking answer. Naturally she wasn't being asked questions on challenging subjects such as the alphabet or her five times table, but on a subject closer to her black little heart – celebrities and their looks.

Despite the fact that she used to be best friends since childhood with 'ahem... model' Kim Kardashian, Paris chose to blurt out the first thing that came into her head. Because it was the only thing in her head at that moment.

"I would not want Kim's butt – it's gross! It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag."

Which to be fair is a fucking great insult. I didn't think the wonk-eyed, skeletal one had such bile in her. Maybe she read it somewhere (or had one of her people read it to her). Anyway, she was soon back-pedalling faster than a duck headed towards an outboard motor.

"I was just joking around and I made a stupid joke. I felt really bad afterwards, so I contacted Kim and apologised. It was a silly thing to say. Kim's hot!"

Unfortunately Kim accepted the apology rather than telling her to fuck off and get her rancid publicity from somewhere other than insulting old friends. Hopefully Paris will get back in the headlines by having a go at her own family and having what's left of her inheritance left to a home for retired cats.