'Wonk' Meets 'Bonk'

Football-eyed Paris Hilton (one home, one away) gave her first proper interview since her release from three-star prison hell. Paxman was unavailable, as was John Humphries, so she turned to the next toughest interviewer on the planet - Jackie Collins.

Elle magazine was the recipient of the hard-hitting expose, and it makes grim reading, finally exploding the myth that Paris is just a glass-eyed fembot with no redeeming features.

Pow! She wants kids next year, so she no longer wants to "act dumb".

Bam! The thing in life that makes her happiest is her collection of exotic animals (or "hangers-on/family" as the rest of the world describes them).

Boom! The outrage of her fellow prisoners that she was in jail! "It's ridiculous you're in here! I'm in for murder," said one completely made up cellmate.

Grim stuff indeed, and it has completely changed my opinion of her. I'd like to kill her with piano wire now, instead of a gun. But wait, there's one more shocking revelation, teased out by Jackie Collins in typical blockbuster fashion.

Paris makes "an amazing lasagne". Fuck me! Cancel all future publications. News is dead.