AND THE AWARD GOES TO...WHATSHISNAME?

Ozzy Osbourne has admitted that he is nervous about his role as a presenter at this Wednesday's BRIT awards. Well, he has this trembly feeling in his stomach that he thinks might be nerves, but it's hard to allocate names to emotions when your brain has been thoroughly wiped. The shaky star will have the comforting knowledge that his wife Sharon will be there right at his side, because she's such a giant in the broadcasting stakes.

Poor old Ozzy's paper-thin memory is what he fears will let him down. Perhaps he fears that he'll wonder aloud who the objectionable screeching woman beside him is?

"I can never seem to recall anyone's name and I'm always putting my foot in it," he told a hat stand in his dressing room as a bewildered journalist looked on.

"Sharon can meet someone in an airport in 1973, then again in 2005, and remember that they are called Jimmy. Maybe I should start smoking dope again."

Yes Ozzy, that's bound to help. And maybe Sharon can remember names so well as she appears to have a grudge against most of the people in the world. They're all in her little black book, all the people who have upset her on her path through life, and one day they'll pay. When they receive that box of her shit in the mail.

Still, this pair can’t be worse than Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood. Can they?