HOW DO YOU IMPROVE ON PERFECTION?

Sharon Osbourne says she is done with plastic surgery, which presumably means she's settled on THAT face, which seems an odd decision.

On the face of it, plastic surgery on Sharon Osbourne is a brilliant idea for the rest of us. After all, after every visit to the table there's a little bit less of her to hate. Now she's been talking about some of the procedures she has already had, ensuring that anyone who reads her comments will never go near a plastic surgeon again.

"I regret having my breasts done because I'm never happy with them," she whined, clearly unaware that we're not too happy with her breasts either. "But the most painful was having my legs lifted. They literally cut all the way around the top of your thigh, pull up the skin like a stocking, then cut the excess away and sew it back on. When I came round I thought they'd sewn my legs together the swelling was so bad."

Bloody hell, those surgeons earn their money, don't they! Just a shame they failed to sew up that flapping hole in the middle of her face.