EAT WELL, STAY FIT, REMAIN ODD LOOKING

Well, did you get what you wanted from Santa? Odds on you didn't if you unwrapped that glistening present to find that a loved one had bought you the fastest-selling fitness DVD of all time, because the winner of that accolade is none other than ex-Eastenders trumpet-botherer Natalie Cassidy.

Yes, Natalie has transformed herself from dumpy, adenoidal, dead-eyed Sonia to slim, adenoidal, dead-eyed Natalie as quickly as you can say, "But her head still looks all wrong."

It means she is even outselling such stunners as Jane Fonda and Davina McCall, that well-known svelte temptress, though this is on current sales figures and doesn't take into account the hordes of red-faced women steaming into Asda and telling the woman on customer services, "You'll never believe what the cheeky fucker bought me for Christmas!"

So congratulations to Natalie for shaping up and making her head look like a sunflower on an ice-lolly stick. No doubt she'll be making a few men 'Wellard' with her new sculpted figure, but not in this vicinity.

"I've lost two and a half stone with this DVD," she proudly burbles on the cover. That's nothing, I only glimpsed the cover in Sainsbury's and lost my breakfast.