LUNATIC PLEADS GUILTY

Naomi Campbell has pleaded guilty to assault after two police officers got the full "Campbell treatment" at Heathrow airport in April.

Reuters reports that the human dictionary definition of "raving fucking lunatic" had to be escorted by her minders through a large scrum of reporters and photographers waiting outside the court in West London. Who are they kidding? Everyone except her was standing the other side of a three inch thick bulletproof glass screen holding a chair in one hand and a whip in the other. No one is stupid enough to even look her in the eye surely?

It all kicked off when her bags went missing at the highly successful launch of Heathrow's Terminal 5. She was escorted off a stationary plane by police with guns after deciding that an entire airport should grind to a halt so she could get her lip gloss out her suitcase.

Her spokesman said outside court that Naomi agreed it had been "regrettable" and that she wanted to give magistrates her side of the story. Her side of the story is probably "I'm more important than these spanner-faced pricks - FIND MY CASE OR PREPARE FOR A NEW ARSEHOLE, BITCH."

Campbell will be sentenced later. It's at this point I assume the courts wheel out their special "Celebrity Sentencer", who is grateful for a change of scenery after spending the past five years letting Kate Moss, Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse off various counts of theft, buggery and drug use.