WHAT-CHOO-CHOO TALKIN’ ABOUT?

The world'’s smallest idiot, Gary Coleman, is to divorce after a mere eight months of marriage. The 40-year-old star of US comedy 'Diff'rent Strokes' tied the knot last August with 22-year-old Shannon Price as the world sat back and said (with remarkable accuracy) "It'll never last!" Gary admitted he was a virgin before the ceremony, and also accepted that he had a bit of a temper and consistently threw heavy items (such as computer printers) at his bride-to-be's head. It's such a shock that this golden couple just couldn't make it work…

Poor little Gary was down on his luck prior to this, finding that being a jobbing actor with the face and frame of a ten-year-old wasn't exactly going to get him those roles that Daniel Day Lewis usually covets.

So, his marriage and the ensuing publicity was like throwing a lifejacket to a drowning child-sized actor. In this spirit, CelebScoop.com reports that Gary has decided that the divorce proceedings should be shown on the classy US TV show 'Divorce Court', a bit like 'Judge Judy' but with even more whining.

"On the conclusion of a two part session of Divorce Court, both Gary Coleman and his wife Shannon Price agreed to come on Divorce Court because they wanted Judge Toler’s marital advice. Shannon says she is tired of Gary’s outbursts and head banging against the wall episodes. Shannon wants Gary to start going out with her instead of staying indoors playing video games and playing with his train sets."

"Shannon also says she wants to have kids but Gary is not fond of them. Gary says he does not like going out and would rather spend his time with his train set. Gary also says he does not want to have kids because he does not like them."

Superb. He wants to play with his train sets instead of making babies. I'd love to have seen that conversation take place. "Should we make a baby?" "Nah, I'm not fond of them. Pass me that Hornby Double-O track, would you?"