NOT SO AMBIENT HOUSE

It must be hard being Moby. What with this annoying worldwide recession affair going on, the poor little dear is whining about the fact that he is struggling to sell his four-storey penthouse overlooking Central Park in Manhattan. And he only wants $7.5m for it! Won’t someone out there put him out of his misery? Maybe he's in a chain and can't afford to move to his dream house in Skelmersdale until the flat sells…

Well call the nurse to staunch my bleeding heart. Does he really need the money so badly that he has resorted to emailing his friends for their help? Despite the fact that he claims to be greener than Kermit, weren't tracks from his 'Play' album on every single gas-guzzling car advert for years? Surely he can't be short of a few bob.

Anyway, he contacted his mates (probably the most chillingly small address book in the world) with his plea.

"If you find someone to buy the apartment I'll happily give $75,000 to you or your favorite charity."

Wow. A whole one per cent of the asking price! Which is around the same figure a good estate agent would ask for, you money-grabbing slaphead. Think it through, eh?