ABSTINENCE AND THE CITY

You've got to feel sorry for 'Hannah Montana' star Miley Cyrus. From the racy pictures she can't help leaking onto the internet and the internal rage she must feel from a life of religious repression and abstaining from everything, there must surely be a Britney Spears-shaped monster just itching to unleash itself onto the world.

Does no one else see that this girl is clearly chomping at the bit to go off the rails?

But her latest sanitised project is to do a younger, cleaner version of 'Sex in the City'. Which, as far as we can tell, would basically be some dead air as even Wikipedia says that the show focuses on "sexually transmitted diseases, safe sex, multiple partners, promiscuity", which isn't going to translate well into the butter-wouldn't-melt, gee whizz language of Disney.

The 15-year-old, who is an advocate of abstinence, says: "I like to think of myself as the girl that no one can get, that no one can keep in their hand.

"Even at my age, a lot of girls are starting to fall and I think if abstaining is a commitment girls make, that's great."

So just imagine a version of the show where instead of Kim Cattrall seeing more cock than Colonel Sanders, she quietly flashes her purity ring (no, not the other ring) and gets a cab home. Rubbish TV.

Get on with the breakdown, Miley, we're getting bored.