FIXED RATE LOHAN

It's time for another update from planet Lohan - a mysterious, money-obsessed world peopled by individuals with no redeeming characteristics whatsoever (a bit like 'Hollyoaks' but set in LA). You may remember that Michael Lohan MIGHT have fathered a step-sister for Lindsay, a thirteen year-old girl called Ashley Kaufmann.

Up to now, Lindsay's and Ali's mother Dinah has been the undisputed world champion of exploiting her own offspring, but little Ashley’s mother Kristi is having a tilt at the crown by announcing that her daughter will now launch a music career. This is presumably on the basis Ashley sharing half her DNA with someone almost successful in movies (or so MSNBC's The Scoop claim, via a family source).

“Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali…Ashley's singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael, not Dina Lohan.”

Yes, Michael is quite a role model. In the week when he begged Lindsay - via the press - to get back in contact with him (after he vowed not to go running to the press again every time she got in contact with him), Michael is attempting to sell the exclusive results of the Kaufmann paternity test to the highest bidder, as he will need a fair bit of money to pay for backdated child support. He is insisting that he only wants $20,000 though, because he's a decent kind of guy.

They all deserve each other really, don't they?