ALFIE BIN LADEN

You've got to admire the US authorities with their dedication to wiping out terror in the world. After completely eradicating terrorism from the world (and in no way exacerbating the problem and radicalising thousands more people) by invading Iraq, US officials have shown that they're no less adept at protecting themselves on home soil - by detaining Michael Caine as a terrorist at a US airport.

Yes, despite being a double Oscar winner and one of the most famous actors in the world, this wasn't enough to throw US airport officials off the scent that he could actually be a fundamentalist Islamic suicide bomber. He fitted the profile, you see...

Caine told GQ magazine: "I was stopped in Texas once. My wife had gone home the day before with all the luggage. I asked, 'What profile do I have that makes me a terrorist?'

"He said, 'You have no luggage. You're a foreigner. You're in first class. And you're the last to board. That is the profile of all the 9/11 fliers."

Genius, you don't get anything past these guys.

Next week: Angelina Jolie gets arrested for being Jack The Ripper.

(Apologies for the image - we have an infant manning Photoshop today.)