STOP RIGHT NOW!

If you're looking for a host for the Miss Universe contest then you'll be wanting someone with presenting skills, an eye for the ladies and perhaps to be a bit of a looker themselves, like former presenter Elle MacPherson. So hats off to the organisers of this year's contest in Vietnam for choosing Melanie Brown in what must be an attempt to kill off this outdated franchise once and for all.

Surely a contest like this is the antithesis of Girl Power – a procession of women strutting about in bikinis and mouthing platitudes about travelling and meeting children, all the while looking like brainless fembots? Not according to Mel. No, this contest is quite the opposite.

"I'm thrilled to be a co-host of the Miss Universe Pageant. I believe the diversity and dedication that the pageant brings inspires and empowers young women across the globe."

Which is exactly why Mel's co-host will be that champion of women's rights Jerry Springer.

Anyway, it'll be mighty fun watching Mel trundle up to a stick-thin, bewildered Belarusian and bellow, "WHAH DOES THA WANT TER WIN THIS THEN, LOVE?"

And who needs the X Factor when you've got work like this, eh?