BROWN BUTTS IN

Sigh. Another day, another opportunity for Melanie Brown to squeeze that horrendous face into the collective subconscious of planet Earth. Now the Spice Girl has appeared on the US show 'Dancing With The Stars', the same show which made Heather Mills-McCartney seem almost human earlier this year.

Unfortunately, Mel clashed heads with her dance partner during rehearsals, turning the rumba into a royal rumble, but come the night she shone as only a leaden-footed carthorse from Leeds can shine.

She wore a tight, skimpy leopard-skin outfit which didn't improve her footwork as it caused those buttocks to slide around gracefully between her feet, like pillows with a bad case of wanderlust.

Judge Bruno Tonioli (camp as a row of tents) called Mel a "feisty kitten", though she looked more like a tatty old exhibit in a gone-to-seed East European zoo.

Judge Len Goodman (corpse in a tuxedo) praised Mel's hip action. Well indeed. It takes some strength to pull off a 360-degree turn when your love handles are in different postcodes.