SMIRK AT THE MOON

Sir Paul McCartney has ruled out any sort of duet with Ozzy Osbourne at the upcoming BRIT awards, because he wants to , Okeep the entertainment plain and simple. Despite Ozzy’s disappointment (which soon faded when he saw something shiny and ran off to investigate) McCartney will perform a short set of classics. Hopefully this means Beatles classics rather than some of the choicer stuff done by Wings, such as…erm…Band on the Run and..er…well, you get the picture.

"You can either go for something wow or just do a couple of hits - I've opted for the latter. I'm quite happy to be just doing stuff that I hope the audience will like".

Something short then. In fact, I’d be delighted if Sir Paul and his smirking eyebrows strode onstage, announced "Thank you and goodnight!" and strode off again.

There's no more news on whether he will actually strip off and perform a couple of numbers naked (which he threatened to do on the Jeremy Kyle Radio Show) but frankly the thought of catching even a glimpse of his 65 year-old scrotum is giving me nightmares. For heaven's sake, there could still be children up at that hour, and imagine trying to explain the situation to a kid when they ask why Sir Paul appears to be dancing around the stage with David Dickinson’s shrunken head dangling between his legs…