BAY CITY GROWLER

The mayor of Bay City, Michigan has a warm spot in many people's hearts today, because if his wishes come true then Madonna will soon be departing from these fragrant shores and heading back to her hometown.

In order to tempt the singer back (like waving a carrot in front of a bemused donkey's face, so it just might work) Mayor Charles M Brunner has offered the leathery one the keys to the city, which means she can drag her purple leotard-covered body just about anywhere in town without being arrested.

Also, if she goes back the city have promised that they will have a massive party with a multitude of artists playing Madonna hits until their brains explode with the sheer paucity of dignity. And the icing on the cake? They will erect a large statue of the singer, hopefully complete with legs akimbo and lovely yellow teeth. Or as Guy Greve, President of the Arts Council puts it:

"I could see a sculpture of her in Bay City. One of Madonna's famous poses could be made into a sculpture."

Or they could just mount the puppet of Zelda from 'Terrahawks' onto a telegraph pole and see if anyone notices the difference.

I love you, Mr Mayor, and all the inhabitants of your lovely but soon-to-be-damned town. You do know she's married, don't you? I'm sure there's room in your town for a Cockernee geezer with a clipped Home Counties accent though. All we need now is a ten-foot high wall around Warrington for lovely Kerry Katona's containment and it's been a great week already!