THE REMAINS OF THE PAY

I can barely believe this, but I'm starting to feel positively fond of US rocker Marilyn Manson. I know, I should get out more. Obviously, it's not his music - that version of 'Tainted Love' was the biggest waste of plastic since Jordan's last tit augmentation and his face like a badly-peeled potato still makes me feel as uneasy as watching a documentary on bowels. But you can't argue with his shopping powers.

Manson is being sued by his former keyboard player Stephen Gregory Bier Jr., who hammered the ivories under the even more laughable name Madonna Wayne Gacy. Bier reckons that the singer wasted millions of the band's money on mentalist shopping, money which should have been shared between the musicians, according to their contracts.

The legal case started last August, when the keyboard player said that Manson squandered the group's income on "sick and disturbing" Nazi memorabilia. As opposed to that lovely, fluffy Nazi memorabilia that Laura Ashley based her empire upon, presumably.

Now Bier has lodged new papers with the court explaining that Manson spent thousands of dollars on the skeleton of a man in a wheelchair and African masks made out of human skin.

Stop whining, Bier, and make up with him! If you're back in his good books imagine the fantastic Christmas presents that will be coming your way! I'm hoping that by being nice about Manson I'll get the skeletal hand of Cary Grant DHL-ed to me in time for the festive celebrations. Fingers crossed.