ALL I WANT FOR XMAS IS... SPEAK AND SPELL

When it comes to the finest brains of our generation, the two names that are consistently mentioned are Stephen Hawking, Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University and Mariah Carey, the chipmunk-faced and doughy-breasted American singer who has a vocal range spanning eight octaves, which is one more than she can count up to.

Despite her vast wealth, army of misguided admirers and the largest collection of slightly-too-small bikinis in the world, Mariah still wants more, and it is Stephen Hawking of whom she is jealous. Is it that incredible brain she covets, or maybe the comfy wheelchair? No, not quite.

"I need Stephen Hawking's voice machine for when I'm on vocal rest."

The poor lamb, how she needs her vocal rest, though unfortunately she decided to exercise her cords in front of an interviewer and show her ignorance. But it would be an utter ball ache wouldn't it, having to use your minimal physical abilities to get a computer to generate every bit of every word like Hawking has to do? And then have every word read out in a bland monotone?

"I'd like a machine where I can just think and it comes out in a robot voice – that would be amazing."

Christ. She actually believes that Hawking's vocal computer is plugged direct into his brain like something out of a David Cronenberg film. Here's hoping someone buys her a Speak and Spell so that she can hold it to her forehead whilst thinking furiously, and that way we'll never hear from her again.