BANDA GOLD

Poor old Yohane Banda. Not content with descending at speed upon his son David's orphanage with her talons exposed, Madonna is set to rub salt into his already bloody wounds by parading his son in front of him later this month when she visits Malawi on a 'Look how rubbish your life could have been' tour for her adopted son.

A year after his son was DHL-ed out of the country, poor Mr Banda will be shown the diamond-encrusted nappies and golden rusks that his son now regards as perfectly normal for those brought up in the Northern hemisphere. Poor Mr Banda, a penniless simpleton who still appears to retain the necessary skills to contact global media outlets at will whenever he thinks it will get his name in print whined:

"I can't wait to see my son again after a year. It will be a fantastic moment. But I have my anxieties though. Will he recognise me or his granny after all these months?" Well, to be brutally honest, it's not likely is it?

"It's a surreal feeling. It's terribly sad that David will be officially de-linked from us. But we want the adoption to go ahead in David's best interests." Yes, in David's best interests and for no other reason? Well...

"When he grows up he will be a wealthy man. I may be gone by then. But I hope he will lift his other relatives out of poverty in the way that Madonna is doing for him."

Ah, poor Mr Banda. A man in Africa simply wishing away the next 16 years of his life in the hope of a payout. And - ah, poor Mr Ritchie. A man in London simply wishing away the rest of his life after the mistake of marrying Madonna in the first place. No. Serves them both right.