FROM NO GOOD TO DO-GOODER

Michael Lohan, perhaps the finest and most selfless father in the world, is once again squawking on about his beloved cash cow – sorry daughter Lindsay. He told InTouch that he and the 'actress' will be travelling to the Indian subcontinent next year to spread a little happiness, and share some of the love that is spilling over from their fulsome hearts.

So she's off to do missionary work. You can insert your own joke about positions right about here _________.

Here's Michael, eyes brimming with love and just a hint of self-admiration.

"Our trip next February encompasses the issue of child sexual slavery in India. We also deal with helping Aids victims. She has made it clear she definitely wants to come along."

Well, she's probably had that test a few times herself, so maybe she can help out in the hospital. Or maybe she's just nosy?

"Lindsay's very spiritual. She has a wonderful heart, loves people and is very charitable."

All very believable.

Right up until the point where Lindsay's agent came out a few hours later and declared the story to be a load of nonsense made up by a publicity-seeking parent. Lindsay's busy next February, apparently. Those pancakes won't toss themselves, though Lindsay probably will.