SOME WOMAN OFF SOME SHOW IS A NIGHTMARE

In news that will no doubt rock your foundations to their very core, we learn that Linda Thorson (who?) is being booted off 'Emmerdale' (what?).

Whilst you readers rejoice at the fact that Holy Moly! has FINALLY shirked its obsession with trivial Z-Lister stars and their tales of limited appeal and instead will concentrate on revealing Plutonium-grade gossip on the world's biggest stars, let's look at the contrast between the official statement and a mole's version of events...

"The character of Rosemary has been integral to storylines over the past year but will be leaving the village next month as the storyline draws to a natural conclusion.”

"Linda Thorson of Emmerdale is shortly to be 'moving onto fresh challenges' ie she's been sacked. Sacked for screaming at continuity girls and making them cry, having to have the producer on set with her for the whole day in a vain attempt at making her behave, and sacked for refusing to speak her lines, insisting that her character is actually really nice. So in revenge, the Emmerdale producers are going to have her die off screen."