WILLY ALLEN

Lily Allen's brother Alfie must have been listening too intently to boys in the school changing rooms, because the young actor has agreed to trim his penis beard for his latest 'part'. The 21-year-old is starring in the play Equus, you know, the one that Daniel Radcliffe was in where the boy gets his cocks out, shags a horse and then stabs his equine partner in the eye. But, Alfie: IT WON'T MAKE IT LOOK ANY BIGGER.
Fearing that the front row might get lost in the jungle of his downstairs thatch, the play's producers have asked Keith Allen's second sap to cut it back.

"The producers and are waxing lyrical about Alfie - he is incredibly talented," said a source to The Mirror. The source went on (in suspiciously tabloid language)...

"But rehearsals for one of the play's climactic scenes, in which he appears naked alongside co-star Laura O'Toole, revealed a knotty problem - his pubic hair. Apparently, Alfie is a grower not a show-er and his unkempt bush needed to be cut back.

"It was out of control and not doing justice to his manhood.

"It was quite awkward and no one knew how to tell him and who should do it. But when Alfie was told, he took it like a man - and reached for the nail scissors. Now he can't wait to get up on stage and show off his super buff and aerodynamic bod."

Amazing. We can't think of any pube puns so if you can, put us to shame...