LITERALLY BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE

Lily Allen and her big old dough face (with a couple of raisins prodded in by a toddler) has once again been working her brain, which is a medical marvel. Because when Lily's brain farts, thoughts bubble down into her mouth and escape unfiltered, ready to pollute the world.

Sigh. Here's Lily's latest opinion on something which has just swum through the gauze of her always-available consciousness.

She used to fancy Stephen Gately, the one from Boyzone who looks like a gay boiled potato and is in fact Louis Walsh's favourite member of Boyzone who looks like a gay boiled potato. But... he's gay! So she could never have him! Oh, the terrible irony, and as Shakespeare said, 'What dreams may come, when our brain doth fart anything to get into the newspapers.' As Lily sagely points out:

"He wasn't gay at the time." No, no of course he wasn't.

Luckily, Lily had some great male role models in her life who have shaped her into what she is today. A human scone.

"My dad's taught me what not to do by generally being quite badly behaved himself, my boyfriends have taught me how to love and I've watched my little brother Alfie grow up so he's given me an insight into boyhood."

Well, she's got the whole world covered then, due to her perfect family. No wonder she's such a well-adjusted and likeable human being. I blame the mother.