KATONA'S ROTTEN PROOFS

Sweet thundering Jesus! Kerry Katona has finished her first novel. No, she hasn't been let loose with a Jackie Collins and a load of crayons, she's actually written a novel for herself. Yes, honestly. No ghost writers, no heavy editing, it's all her own work, and hopefully one day soon she will get around to reading it.

Ha! Take that, literary types and your snobbish ways, for the Man Booker Prize is virtually assured to go to the wobbling gonk from Warrington with a face like a dropped Cornish pastie and darker appetites than a Nick Cave tribute band.

It's called 'Tough Love' ('Everybody knows you, but nobody knows the truth') and will be the story of a busty blonde from up north with a dysfunctional family. She'll probably keep the armed burglary stuff to a minimum though. And the bits about sleeping with drug dealers. And if it's half as good as Naomi Campbell's 'Swan' or Jordan's 'Beaver' then we're in for a literary treat, and there's another two books to follow! Hurray!

It will be released on October 25th, which is ideal timing because instead of pulping the unsold copies they can be distributed direct to bonfire parties around the country just in time for November 5th.