SCENT OF A FISHWIFE

Kerry Katona is in talks to produce her own brand of perfume, probably by standing on her front legs and spraying oily juices out of her nethers like a randy tomcat.

Well, it worked for that other celebrity fat lump Jade Goody, so maybe Kerry will be able to hoodwink the general public into buying her own personal scent, which will probably smell like a branch of Greggs the bakers after an all night party littered with half-empty cans of discount lagers full of cigarette butts.

Kerry is reportedly off to France to begin the whole process of producing the perfume. Normally this would involve several hundred hours of mixing exotic and rare scents in a laboratory to create a stunning new blend. Kerry will probably just sniff a half-dozen cows arses before pointing to the successful candidate, declaring the stinkiest the winner and demanding it be decanted into a bottle right then and there in the field.

Just who would wear 'Slapper' by Kerry Katona? Obviously the type of woman who likes to go out of an evening smelling of chip-grease and desperation.