XENU YORK, NEW YORK

Katie Holmes has confirmed that she will move to New York soon in order to make her debut on Broadway in the play 'All My Sons'. As yet there is no news as to whether Tom Cruise will accompany her (it's not like he's awfully busy in Hollywood these days) or merely monitor her progress from his luxury suite currently orbiting three miles above the earth.

Congratulations to Katie, who must have finally finished that tunnel from her basement cell to her agent's office. Also appearing in the play will be the fine actor John Lithgow, who played a confused alien visiting earth in the sitcom 'Third Rock From The Sun'. Someone really is taking the piss here, aren't they?

Katie has the perfect pedigree for Broadway, following years in 'Dawson's Creek' (the sound she made when she entered a scene). Oh, and let's not forget (hard as we might try) her fabulous emotive performance in 'Batman Begins' where you could only tell her apart from the scenery because of her monotone chattering.

Let's hope that the famously-savage New York theatre critics are kind to her in the reviews or they may find themselves sitting at home motionless as a trio of small lasers congregate on their foreheads in 'Predator' style. You don't mess with Tom and his all-seeing spaceship.