I DIDN'T FIGHT THE LAW...

Who to believe, who to believe? Jude Law and his expanding forehead have spoken for the first time about his alleged attack on a photographer. The claimed assault is still under investigation by the police, who must feel like knocking the two parties' heads together after their latest round of "He started it, Dad!"

Here's how Jude recalls the events of that fateful day...

"This chap basically set about provoking me and ended up swinging a camera at me and it all got a little nasty.We had a little bit of a set-to and I went home, and next thing I know there's a knock on the door and it's the police and apparently he's asking for my arrest. They're really embarrassed because they know this thing is a set up."

The photographer recalls a slightly different sequence of events, however.

"I was at a bus stop near Jude's house, but I wasn't taking pictures of him. My camera was still in the bag. He was by himself when he recognised me and started accusing me of being a paedophile and that all I wanted to do was take pictures of his children. He then punched me in the face and started kicking me. I was shocked at his behaviour."

So who to believe? One is from a profession rightfully regarded with contempt, arrogantly barges into other people's business and thinks the world owes him a living. The other's a photographer. Fuck 'em both, I say.