LOVELY GRUBBY

World-renowned wordsmith Jude Law has finally confessed the secret of why American women simply fall at his feet. It's a combination of his English accent and the fact that he uses soft and fluffy words, which could explain why Hugh Grant had an American career at all (that and getting caught hanging out of the mouth of a prossie).

Jude explained his theory to the New York Daily News, who were hopefully open-mouthed at the sheer stupidity of the words flowing from his mouth, never mind their fluffiness.

"Perhaps it's the use of words. We use words like 'lovely', and 'naughty'. I think they quite like that," he simpered, skipping around the room, smelling the cut flowers and dabbing daintily at the corners of his mouth with a fresh white handkechief.

Perhaps it is the use of words, Jude. Here are some I prefer, in no particular order. You. Utter. Utter. Balding. Hateful. Tiny. Cocked. Twat.