JOSS STONE TO APPEAR IN 'THE TUDORS' AS ANNE OF CLEVES

WAR OF THE STONE ROSES

Published on Wed 06 August 2008 by IanMcShane

JOSS STONE TO APPEAR IN 'THE TUDORS' AS ANNE OF CLEVES

If you've watched a single moment of 'The Tudors' then you'll be aware that it isn't the most historically-accurate portrait of the Royal House of Lancaster or its successors. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (a pale, sweating Irishman) as Henry VIII? What next? Freddie Starr as Sir Walter Raleigh? Well no, it gets worse than that.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Joss Stone as Anne of Cleves.

Well, that's what Hollywood Reporter is claiming and it seems like such a ridiculous idea that it must be true, surely? So expect Anne to plead against an annulment by crooning 'ooh baby, ooh' whilst barefoot and chomping on Ye Olde Flake (ooh, yeah, whoa-oh!).

Actually, maybe it's not such a ridiculous idea after all. The marriage was never consummated as Henry took an instant dislike to his new wife's face, the union being the result of a treaty between the crown and the German court of Cleves. With Joss's face crammed into an unflattering bonnet you can begin to sympathise with Henry and marvel that the marriage lasted even six months.

When the painter Hans Holbein was commissioned to paint a portrait of the new queen he gritted his teeth and got on with the job, though he privately referred to Anne as 'The Flanders Mare'. Actually, this might be casting at its canniest.

JOSS STONE, 'THE TUDORS', ANNE OF CLEVES, henry viii, jonathan rhys meyers

pass it on print article

I KNOW WHO MIGHT KILL ME
NOT A SHARP MOVE
MOTHER KNOWS BEST
FEELING FRUITY
NEWSMOUND

SPIDEY BLOODY SPIDEY
OBLIGATORY YOUTUBE CLIP!
LITERALLY 'LITERALLY AMAZING'
WORST. MARKETING. IDEA. EVER.
NEWSMOUND

COMMENTS

		LadyLumps on Wed 06 August 2008 said... Wow - that's some casting couch she's been on, the mucky cow. What next Madonna playing Elizabeth I?
		MrsMoon on Wed 06 August 2008 said... You have been cast as one of the most famously ugliest women in history, even that gout ridden, syphillitic ball of lard Henry 8th wouldn't touch with a maypole....you'd want to keep that fucking quiet, surely?
		Titselinabumsquirter on Wed 06 August 2008 said... Whilst everything said about the pock marked straw chewer may be true, it's no need to slander Anne. The reason Henry took such a huge dislike to her was she had never met him until she went to a masqued show where her new husband to be (fat, sweaty and old and stinking due to a nasty leg injury) tried to shove his tongue down her throat where she pushed him off and spat on him. Yet somehow kept her head, a big wadge of cash and was loved by the people. She was far too smart to ever be played by Joss -fake American thicko- Stone.
		hamstir on Wed 06 August 2008 said... Fuck a duck i'm back in o level history class, was Anne constantly stoned (no pun intended) cause she will be now
		BustySinclair on Wed 06 August 2008 said... No less believable casting than Eric Bana as Henry 8...
		princessbeefcurtains on Wed 06 August 2008 said... Titselina is that actual historical fact? I just thought it was put in that 'Other Boleyn Girl' or whatever the other one was called to make it juicier?
		ChrisPeacock on Wed 06 August 2008 said... Desperate to keep up with you history boffins I've just Google-Imaged Anne of Cleves. Looks like a ginger Aunt Sally. Was Una Stubbs unavailable?
		framey on Wed 06 August 2008 said... Fake accented but worth a squirt surely?
		rachael on Thu 07 August 2008 said... well if it is true that this anne woman was uglier that posh spice then that WANNABEE up there in the picture, that Soul singer extraudanear that she likes to so think of herself, would be fit for the part because she is Naturally ugly.
		Blurgle on Sat 09 August 2008 said... As a fan of pedantic asshattery, I have to point out the following: First of all, Holbein didn't call her the Flanders Mare: Henry did. In fact, Holbein may have developed a crush on her while painting her portrait and made her prettier. We simply don't know if she was pretty, average, or ugly, but she certainly didn't shock anyone with her appearance. Henry seems to have been the only one who had anything to say about the matter. The part about Henry barging in on her is half true. We know that he showed up at her rooms, not introducing himself to her (and remember, she was a sheltered virgin who had never been alone with a strange man and had no idea what Henry looked like) and being very salacious and crude to her. Whether he tried to kiss her nobody actually knows, but she did throw him out of her rooms. He stormed away, grumbling "I like her not!". I suspect she wasn't terribly impressed either. And maybe she wasn't a 10, but he was lucky if he was a 0.01 - he weighed 400 pounds and had a stinking necrotic sore dripping pus down his thigh (from a syphilis gumma, likely). He was also an arrogant bastard who killed his nearest and dearest with abandon. There was no telling when the man would snap or for what reason, or who he would turn on when he did. A lot of the problem with Anne, though, was that the marriage was wished on Henry by Thomas Cromwell, a minister of state who was grasping at straws by bringing Anne over. Henry wanted to marry an English girl, but every nobleman with a brain in his head had sent his daughters to the far corners of the country to get them away from him. (It wasn't like a girl could say no to him.) Cromwell convinced Henry that the marriage was important for diplomatic reasons, but shortly before Anne arrived the reasons disappeared and the marriage became politically irrelevant. Henry was at least good enough not to kill Anne, possibly because she wisely acquiesced to everything he wanted but also because he took it out on Cromwell instead. I suspect another problem was that his weight and his syphilis had made Henry impotent, and like a lot of guys these days he blamed his problem on his wife not being good looking enough instead of on his health or simply aging. I've known a lot of guys who sit around with their beer bellies whining that their wives have got FAT and are FAT and EVIL and FAT and ugly, and then you meet the wives and they weigh 115 lb. The men have to have someone else to blame for their problems, I guess - the fault can't be with themselves or, most likely, with nobody at all. Someone else has to be at fault.