MORTAL MAMMARIES

Jordan has launched an attack on Kerry Katona, thereby re-igniting the mutually-beneficial war of words which means they both get their horrible faces in the media. The pair once counted themselves as friends after they appeared on 'I'm A Celebrity... Can You Resuscitate My Career?' in 2004, but there was a bitter falling out afterwards, with an explosion of name-calling and metaphoric bitch slapping.

Until recently, there had been a cease in hostilities, but Kerry felt fit to open that massive, slavering gob, giving her opinion on Jordan's abilities as a mother. Never one to take things lying down, Jordan has once again turned to the almost-suicidal feature writers at OK! to pen her riposte, whilst probably getting paid a nice few thousand quid.

"[Kerry] said that bad stories about me should bring me down a peg or two. I thought that was really unnecessary because I've not been saying anything bad about her, and she's been nice about me recently."

Hey, that's not so unreasonable. Maybe Jordan has a new sense of maturity to go with her new breasts, which are almost of normal human dimension. Oh wait, there's more...

"I wasn't invited to Kerry's baby shower but I don't care. Maybe it was her bipolar medicine."

Oh dear, that's torn it. Expect Kerry's answer any day soon, like a pair of fishwives playing verbal tennis. If there was any justice the pair would be locked in a small room with a machete and a syringe full of acid each. Then the victor could emerge blinking in the sunlight, and be roundly ignored forever. Well, you can dream, can't you?