FLIGHT DIVA

John Travolta has offered to pilot the Spice Girls across the Atlantic in their newly-acquired private jet. The tuneless tarts have already dubbed the plane 'Spice Force One' instead of the more apt 'Flying Pigpen'.

Travolta is a born pilot and loves nothing more than the feel of the wind through his hair, when he can be bothered to weave it onto his massive forehead. He appears totally intrigued by the jet and will do anything to get to play with it, even talk to Geri.

"It sounds like an amazing plane. They don't do things by halves," he hissed through that sinister wide mouth, "I've been flying since 1974 when I earned my wings. Every cent of my paychecks went to flying lessons."

And since then nearly every cent has gone to the Church of Scientology, so it's a wonder he can afford a pilot's uniform and all the camp accessories.

If any Al-Qaeda boffins are reading, 'Spice Force One' will be the one taking off from Heathrow with garish 'Girl Power' slogans on the sides and pumping out a screeching, high-pitched whine - which has nothing to do with the engines.