CAPTAIN SLACK

Torchwood actor and Doctor Who-botherer John Barrowman revealed (seemingly without a single iota of shame) to Now magazine that he once managed to soil himself on stage in front of a less-than-delighted audience. Really, some things are better left unsaid.

"I once crapped myself on stage and it was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was doing a dance number and I kicked shit over two people in the front row because I had diarrhoea."

Lovely. Though it might be a novel way for Captain Jack Harkness to fight the Daleks, covering their eyestalks with his own backdoor smorgasboard. It might even get me watching 'Torchwood' (for two minutes). Unsavoury as it is, you have to acknowledge his honesty.

"I thought I'd just have a little fart, but then I'm kicking shit over people."

So the Lower Circle emptied pretty quickly that night. As did the one in the theatre... (Thank you, I'm here all week!)