THE ORANGE SPRAYLIST

Heartiest congratulations to Jodie Marsh, who has finally won something (apart from the nation's loathing). Xen-Tan, a self-tanning brand conducted a survey where the Great British public were asked to nominate those in the public eye who most looked like they had been dipped in a vat of liquid dog muck, and of course Jodie came out on top.

This is quite a feat as there are so many different things to hate about Jodie (such as the ridiculous nose, the hideous tattoos and the frankly supernatural teeth, to name but a few) that it's easy to overlook the fact that she is the colour of peanut butter after a trip through a cow's alimentary canal.

 

She beat off stiff competition for the accolade, particularly from Donatella Versace and her World of Leather face who trundled in second. Then came Michelle Scott-Lee, Victoria Beckham and David Dickinson, a disappointing showing for the man who appears to be carved from teak.

 

Jordan, Gavin Henson, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson and Simon Cowell make up the rest of the top ten. And somewhere, in a gin-induced stupor, Judith Chalmers sadly shakes her leathery jowls and wonders where it all went wrong.