FROM PRE-NATAL TO PRE-POSTEROUS

If you're in New York and feeling a little peaky, don't bother nipping into the North Shore Medical Centre for a bit of treatment. Unless you're Jennifer Lopez, that is, because this hospital now solely exists for the comfort and benefit of the heavily pregnant singer. After a series of 'Pink Drills' designed to test the staff's reactions in the case of a kidnapping it has now been revealed that J.Lo will give birth in the most luxurious of surroundings.

No getting wheeled onto a ward with her legs in a Y-shaped support while a group of student doctors stare up her nightgown for J.Lo. No, she's demanded (and is getting) the full diva treatment for the birth of her twins. Gas and air? Too common, replace them with champagne and truffles.

So her birthing suite has freshly-laid wooden floors, a giant plasma TV screen (giving birth does not mean you have to miss 'Neighbours') and is cleaned three times a day, probably with dusters made from swans' backs. The New York Post has learned,

"There is a room, which even has a brown leather couch, that has been sitting empty for two weeks now. No one is even allowed in there until she gets here. It's just sitting there for her."

What next? Solid gold cots and a big cushion for the singer to sit on stuffed with kittens' eyes? For God's sake! Can't they just take a fraction of the money spent on this and give her husband Marc Anthony something to eat? Even a tube of Pringles will do, before his eyes sink into his sinuses.