BAND OF BOTHER

Jessica Alba is blooming at the moment, displaying a healthy pregnant glow as she goes about her business of looking like the most miserable woman in the world. You'd think she might actually crack a smile one of these days, but so far she is stubbornly resisting the temptation to enjoy her life at all, bringing her unique brand of misery and infecting all of those who come into contact with her.

It's true. Anyone who glimpses her face-like-a-smacked-arse in the flesh will never feel happy again. You have been warned.

This was the feeling that guests at her recent baby shower were given, going in full of smiles and coming out with blank faces, their lips soundlessly forming the word: "Why?" Unusually, the guests were given gifts themselves, a leather wristband with the words, "Life, love, health et cetera," carved into it.

All very nice they thought, as they strapped the things on and made 'pleased' faces, until Alba revealed that there was a slight proviso to the gift (which must have cost at least five quid apiece). Firstly, everyone had to participate in a group prayer whilst wearing their bracelet. Then Alba demanded that the wrist bands not be removed until after her baby was born, meaning there was a room full of people with forced grins not looking forward to their next shower (or the next hot afternoon) at all.

What happens if you take the bracelet off? Presumably you won't be invited to the Christening, which means you won't get your free crucifix upon which you have to remain nailed until the Alba baby starts school.