MISER-ALBA

Actress Jessica Alba should be full of joy at the moment, what with having given birth to daughter Honor Marie last month (oh, and having flogged off the pictures of the tiny tot to OK magazine for a lovely large sum), but true to form, the actress nicknamed 'Miser-Alba' isn't getting too excited about the whole affair, even grimacing soullessly when talking about the birth of her daughter.

"I didn't scream. It was really Zen," she said.

I'm sure we'd all like the birth of our first child to be really Zen, wouldn't we? Forget that passion and emotional nonsense.

"The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused."

Translation: "I was as boring as usual." Jessica then got all philosophical about the little one, attributing mystic values to Honor, despite the fact she's barely a month old.

"She dreams, she smiles, and coos and does all these things, but she hasn't seen enough of the world yet to understand any of that stuff. So I still feel like she's connected to the other world, or something. There's no other way to explain it. It's a miracle."

Well, there might be one other way to describe it. Acting like a newborn, you icy, pretentious bore. Jessica is the equivalent of something you might see on 'Antiques Roadshow'. A lovely box but empty inside.