SNEEZY DOES IT

Poor old Janet Jackson was rushed to Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre in LA on Monday night, sparking panic amongst her fans, who probably held a midnight vigil or something to will the star to live. It was reported by US magazine that the singer was suffering from "a shortness of breath", hence her late night dash to casualty.

Don't panic. Everything is alright. Remove those black armbands and restore the flags to full mast because Janet is going to be just fine. A shortness of breath can indicate a heart attack, pleurisy or even the consequences of a long jog, but Janet is feeling much better due to the care and attention of the dedicated (and extremely expensive) medical staff at the facility.

Her representative emerged, blinking away the tears and issued the news that cheered the planet.

"Janet is fine. She's just battling this flu like everyone else."

Well, that was a close call. Brave little Janet, holding off the mad dash to hospital for so long, what with her sniffly nose and aching throat, with barely a Lemsip to comfort her - what a trouper! Truly an example to us all. Next week: Janet is driven to an undertaker's after developing a pimple.