THE ITALIAN SLOB

Saliva-spluttering Mockney Jamie Oliver plans to open a new type of restaurant in Bath, which will hopefully pave the way for a full-on empire of eateries. And his magnificent ground-breaking idea for the theme? Hmm, Italian. With fresh-baked bread and free -range chicken. Bella Pasta must be shaking in their Italian-made boots.

Oddly, it will be Jamie's first ever restaurant. Sure, the 'Fifteen' chain is spreading across the globe like mould on cheese, but Jamie doesn't own the chain, perhaps because he saw it as a way to get his fat tongue dribbling across TV screens rather than as a viable business idea.

"It's always been a desire of mine to really tackle the issue of the quality of high street dining," said Jamie, covering the windows with a fine coating of spittle. "There are some little places, privately owned by dedicated people, who are doing a good job but they're few and far between and I don't think many of the chains really give consistent quality at a decent price. We aim to change all that," he chortled, his fat little face now resembling a lump of cake mixture with two currant eyes.

Jamie describes the concept as "fast, urban casual dining", which comes as a surprise; I didn't think he could be any more of a twat, then he says something like that.