CHICKEN BY NATURE

How much is dignity and free speech worth? To Jamie Oliver, it seems, about £1.2m a year, the sum he is currently paid by Sainsbury's, the paymaster he has gone running to weeping and saying that 'it was some big boys down the road making stories up about me'.

You may recall that he was somewhat scathing that nobody from the supermarket would join him in a debate about the plight of chickens, but now he assures his bosses that it was a big mistake, or maybe one million, two hundred thousand small ones.

He isn't apologising though! Oh no. You see, it's the fault of those pesky journalists for taking his actual words "out of context". The bastards! Justin King, Sainsbury's Chief Executive, said that no pressure was put on Oliver to apologise (which is just as well as that fat face would burst with a wet 'pop' like a poached egg if pressure were applied), but the spittle-spluttering chef took it upon himself to write an open letter to every staff member of the group and the CEO in particular.

"It was great to talk to you this morning," said the letter (hmm, wonder who phoned who first?), "Though I wish it was in different circumstances. I am happy to confirm what I have said on several occasions: that Sainsbury's has the most to be proud of on this important animal welfare issue.

"I would not have continued working with Sainsbury's for so many years if I did not believe that you were showing real leadership," continued Jamie, forgetting to mention millions of pounds of income as he clambered right back up the arse of the corporate giant.

All that was missing was "PS. Can I come back to work next week please? I'm down to my last £30m."